11:17 PM i haven been blogging in the longest time. haa it feels kinda wierd now. lol
anyways i just felt like writing down my feelings here cos i kinda want to remember how im feeling now. its so hilariously emo but heck. im still gonna record this down =)

this past 2 months or so was really quite amazing.the fact that we managed to churn out all the stuff that we were supposed to do for pos. i thought we couldnt make it but we did! and im so glad ..ahaaa.and we all got to build new friendships.. which was a bonus to me since i started out pos thinking it'll just be very technical like the previous years where there'll be no emotional strings attached..
it also made me come to realize that my circle of friends are so limited. not in the sense of the numbers, but the personality variations of my friends. meeting ana, surina and the rest really was like a wow experience to me. and i guess its because i've never had friends like them! friends who cared unconditionally, friends who sacrificed unconditionally, and friends who are so true to their emotions.i sometimes wonder, why in 16 years of my life, i've never met people like them? haa ..and of course i really feel like im so blessed, its a kind of feeling i guess words can never describe.,no matter how close im to ting yulan or huiying, its just nnever the same when i see ana and the rest.the excitement, the joy, the love i feel. and i really understood what it meant when people say someone could light up your day. they always did! and im amazed by that actually.haha
i still remembered during mid year i wrote a compo on 'define a true friend'. i wrote alot and i remembered writing that the greatest test of friendship is the test jealousy. and i really felt that its so so true. when i was young i always remembered that i wld wrestle with my neighbour for her wooden puppet thing and i always ended up upsetting her and making her cry. my mum felt so bad after that, and bought me an exact same wooden puppet, so i'd stop fighting with my neighbour.. sometimes, we're just like that. when we really really like something or someone, we want to own it.no sharing no nothing.. but unlike the wooden puppet, somethings can never be bought. friends cannot be bought. by snatching the wooden puppet, i upsetted my neighbour.if i had chosen to share, i wouldnt have fallen out with my neighbour, but could have earned myself a companion while playing with the puppet..i dont know how i felt after my mum got me the new puppet, but im quite sure i didnt feel good, because in this process of such self-centred behaviour, i lost a friend. and im sure i dont want that to happen again.

no one can have a good friendship, if his or her self-esteem is low, which is why someone would be vunerable to jealousy. Good self-esteem and belief in yourself will diminish jealous feelings. feeling inadequate and feeling like you're left out gives the green devil so much chances to creep into the friendship.. and many times in this friendship that we have with ana and e rest, it feels more like a competition. like who's spending more time with who. who's more accepted, who's more appreciated yadayada. and its really tiring cos it seems like i have to hop on to this ride of nothingness, trying to outbeat everyone.

maybe im just thinking too much about this whole thing. but this is what i felt from this whole saga.
we all have so so many friends around us, and i believe they are placed in our lives for all kinds of reasons. i know that huiying is my source of joy, ting is someone really special in a sense that she is able to give me strength each time when she encourages.yulan is my source of love strength motivation and encouragement. and i know all of them are so so special in my life. and i cant say for sure who's my best friend or what. because they all impacted me somehow in different areas in my life. the same goes with ana, surina and the rest. surina really taught me how to love my friends, and showed me genuine friendship.ana brought so much joy in my life and its always feel so good to have her around =)
i know in all these people's heart , i hold a special placing too. and i dont have to try and outbeat anyone, or impress them whatsoever. maybe i haven totally convinced myself on this yet, but im trying, because i dont want the horrible j word to creep in.
for all other things, i just i want to say that im beyond grateful for all the joy and fun that you all have injected in my life, no matter what comes, im just hoping it'll be the best.! and you all really did make an amazing impact in my life. for that, i thank you..